DECEMBER 22, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE
11
OPEN ROADS
He won't tell his lover he's HIV+, and they have unsafe sex
by Thom Sommers
Safe sex, safer sex, condoms, intimacy, role playing, and ignorance: all buzz words for sex in the '90s.
As AIDS, now in its second generation, begins to penetrate suburbs and small towns as it once did only in large cities, we are forced to create a new and fresh approach toward transmission prevention and social tolerance.
Earlier this week, I was approached by several friends of a young gay couple living in Cleveland, Justin and Miguel (not their real names). Justin has been HIV positive for just over two years, and Miguel is HIV negative, to the best of his knowledge.
Three months into this relationship, Justin's status has been exposed, but not to Miguel. You see, Miguel has
1.7
?
intimacy will protect you from this deadly disease? It is not a lack of education.
Through lengthy discussions with each of Justin and Miguel's friends, we touched on many different issues pertaining to the whys and hows of HIV transmission. The Village Voice reported in a January 31, 1995 article,
"Why Gay Men Are Having Unsafe Sex," that during the first three to six months of a new relationship, and just after testing HIV negative people are more susceptible to engage in high risk behavior. Again, it is not because of a lack of education.
Perhaps, as a society, we have become complacent. Are we still afraid of the pink elephant, bearing a red ribbon, that is standing in the middle of our living rooms? That same Village Voice article mentions feelings of inevitability by some, and conversely, that AIDS was a plague of the older gay men's generation.
OPEN ROADS
been led to believe that his new partner is HIV negative. Through love and trust he believes this so they are not practicing safer
sex.
When I asked these friends how they felt about the situation, they responded with anger
and disgust with Justin. Angry that, as each of them are working toward making this stop, we as individuals are not taking responsibility for ourselves. Outraged with Justin's recklessness, they also were feeling helpless that, as a nation, we have developed patterns of complacency that will most likely go unchallenged in response to this crisis.
Fifteen years into this national health emergency, these friends are feeling sad, frustrated, and fearful. They ask: How can people continue to believe that love, trust and
How do we make it stop? A question that I have posed to you in the past. While talking with Justin and Miguel's friends, we also addressed the root cause or feelings that allow people to engage in unsafe sexual practices and the destructive patterns that accompany those feelings.
What about Justin's responsibility? What element of an infected person's psyche allows him to act so irresponsibly? Is it shame, guilt, fear of rejection, denial, possibly even anger or jealousy toward those presumed to be HIV negative?
As for myself, I have felt several of those feelings. I believe them to be a common thread of acceptance among many of those
living in the spectrum. I can only hope that those feelings are not being used to excuse or justify the actions of those that are knowingly acting irresponsibly while living with the HIV virus.
I presented to each of the friends the question, "Would you have sexual intercourse with someone that admitted their positive HIV status to you, up front?" I was surprised by the honesty with which they answered. One of them said, "Yes, I have," one said, "Maybe if I got to know them," and the third even admitted her unwillingness. I respect them all for their openness.
When Justin was finally confronted about his unsafe sexual relations with Miguel he responded with, "This is none of your business." To paraphrase the words of Justin and Miguel's friends, Justin must be held accountable for his deadly actions, and Miguel needs to be accountable for his.
These friends are scared about who will
get sick next, who is going to die next. One
asks, "What will make this stop? Fighting, fighting, fighting-and not only the religious right or our local and state governments-but with our friends." Safer sex behavior must start with conversations about relationships, sex and AIDS, between friends as well as potential partners. Unsafe, risky behavior is not talking about HIV/AIDS, and we must remember that we are all at risk.
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They concluded our discussion with passionately explaining, "Enough is enough! People need to be held accountable! It makes me nervous that people do not want to talk about this stuff. It is unclear to me why people in 1993, 94, 95 and into 1996 are still becoming infected!
Update: Since our discussion Justin and Miguel have ended their relationship. Justin has not yet confided his status to Miguel and is currently "dating". . . safely, I hope.
Please send your thoughts, comments and opinions about this unfortunately common scenario to: Thom Sommers, care of the Gay People's Chronicle, P.O. box 5426, Cleveland Ohio 44101.
JOHN R. O'CONNOR LISW ACSW Clinical Social Worker Individual Couple and Group Psychotherapy
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A Gay Lesbian Pyschotherapy Practice 12417 Cedar, Suites 21-24 Cleve. Hts., Ohio 44106 (216) 229-2100
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